Lessons from my Parents

My parents recently celebrated their 50th anniversary at the end of February. With this being such a big milestone in the life of a marriage, I reflected on the lessons that I have learned from my parents. Before going through these lessons, I would like to explain the perspective that caused these lessons to come to my mind. What I have learned through reading about marriage in scripture, observing my parents' marriage, and observing the structure of families that I have served over the years, is that while a marriage is strongest when the husband and wife are acting as one, a marriage is most sustainable when the husband and wife continue to work on their own strengths and weaknesses. In other words, a married couple needs to pursue one mission and show a 100% united front to their children and to the world, and to accomplish this they must bring their own strengths to the union.

With this understanding in mind, I have identified the most profound lessons I have learned from my parents individually, and the most profound lesson I have learned from them as a unit.

Life is an Ongoing Learning Process As long as I have known my father, he has always been striving to learn something. My mom and I used to tease him for always wanting to look at the instructions before doing something, even if it appeared to my mother and I as a simple task. Looking back on this, I know now that it wasn't so much about simply completing the task, it was more about the fact that he was genuinely interested in learning more about the task or product itself. One of the best examples that I can take from my father's learning is how he approached learning Spanish.

Towards the end of my grade school years, my father started teaching himself Spanish. He would read books in Spanish, watch Destinos and other shows/movies in Spanish, and would just submerse himself in the language. This was something else my mother and I would give him a hard time about, but her persevered through the ridicule and really dedicated himself to becoming proficient in the Spanish language. Over time, this dedication has resulted in creating a platform that has allowed my father to reach several people, old and young alike, that he would not have otherwise reached. He has gone on trips to serve children in Mexican orphanages, hosted multiple exchange students from Latin American countries, taught ESL classes, and I am sure there are other examples that are not coming to mind. To this day, you can tell that life being an ongoing learning process is still true to my father. It is amazing to see the attention to detail and the care that he puts into connecting with my daughter through learning. Servant Leadership

"I wish your mother still worked here" is a phrase I heard early and often, when I started working at the same bank my mother had worked at for around 25 years. I knew these individuals were not "blowing smoke," because I had heard people expressing how much they appreciated my mother's leadership for many years before I started working there. Many people worked for her at some level, but there were also several people who I heard comments from who did not even report to her. Adding to the validity of these comments, I personally witnessed her servant leadership in the home as I was growing up, and have witnessed this same leadership in the years since. Over the years, my mother has showed me that leadership is more than directing people you have authority over. She has showed me that leadership is not always about stepping out and paving a new way. She has helped me see that leadership is best when it is rooted in love for those you are leading. The term that comes to mind to describe this standard of leadership is servant leadership. My mother has shown me that there is even more to leadership when you place it in the context of servant leadership. Many people think of service as something you do for those who are less fortunate than yourself. While this is part of service, my mother's example of leadership has provided me with a broader look at service. Even though I could provide more examples of observing this broadened look at service in my mother's life, I would like to go back to her job at the bank. Over her last several years of her job, she held managerial roles. I have heard stories of her stepping in for an employee who needed to go home for an emergency. I have heard stories of her going to bat for her employees when she was reporting to her supervisors. I have observed an attention to detail in making colleagues feel special and prompt response to the needs of those who worked alongside her. She made every effort to make sure her supervisors knew she valued their time, and had an uncanny way of doing nice things for them without the appearance of being a "suck up." I like to call the leadership my mother exhibits "cross-shaped leadership." She has served those above her in authority, colleagues who are working alongside her, and those who are working under her authority or those who have less to give in return; and she does this in an authentic way that is done out of love for others.

Be Disciplined with what you Have Some have more than others and some have less than others. My parents have experienced both. What unites these two circumstances is that regardless of which circumstance you are living in, you are here for a purpose and you have the opportunity to do something significant with what you have. I've heard a phrase recently that describe's this perfectly. "Don't let what you can't control stand in the way of what you can control."

In the previous sections, I described the individual qualities my parents possess that have had the most impact on my life. What is amazing about these qualities is that even though they have become the individual legacies of my parents, they have served as platforms that my parents could come together and pursue one united mission. For example, my father may have learned Spanish on his own, but his proficiency led to my mother having countless interactions with individuals from Spanish speaking countries that she would not have otherwise encountered if it weren't for my dad's efforts to learn Spanish. Another example, through my mother's attention to servant leadership, my father has taken on visible leadership roles, when his individual personality would have him feeling more comfortable taking a more "behind the scenes" approach to leadership. God-willing, if someone comes to my wife and I on our 50th anniversary and asks us what the key to a long lasting marriage is, I will without hesitation respond, "to spend everyday growing as an individual, and directing your own strengths towards complementing your spouse's strengths, so the world can see your strengths coming together to show one story of love." And, until I am in the position to give that response, I will continue to remember the foundation that was established by my parent's marriage. Thank you, Mom and Dad. I have been blessed by your marriage in several ways.